Stuck Spaces: Disappointment

Or, how I work through it daily

I usually wake up disappointed. I realized that today, after another fitful night of pseudo sleep. Normally, I sleep like a log (and pride myself on it) but this week, when the media and weathermen stirred up my post-Helene anxieties, sleep has not been restful. It was predicted that we’d get a huge snowstorm, and we indeed got snow, but not the Snowmageddon that was frantically predicted. Normally, I take all weather reports with a grain of salt, but this one was even anticipated by my tried-and-true weather people.

Anyways, back to waking up disappointed. As someone who questions why they are on this planet on a daily basis, I guess disappointment feels a bit wired in me. I recognize that feeling, the sigh that escapes, the click and whir of my mental dementors that begin their cacophony before I even have my first cup of coffee.

Why am I here? Why was I so lazy yesterday? How can I possibly get everything done that I need to today? Once again, you’re behind the 8 ball, you lazy slug. You created nothing yesterday but more laziness. Yada, yada. It goes on and on. I don’t even pay attention, as I am so used to the instant deluge of negative thoughts when I first awaken. Then from my heart, the response and counter-balance begins.

Oh look, it still looks pretty outside from the snow! Let’s get some coffee in you. It’s going to be sunny today. Yay, in my email is Suleika Jauuad’s Substack, The Isolation Journals. I love her (and highly, highly recommend her Substack, also published on Sundays). I start reading, as reading has always been my savior, even when my eyes are burry with sleep. Her perspective, as she battles what she calls her “life interruption”/her illness, that robs her of energy to create, and her own disappointment that she has been battling for years (it’s like we’re related), puts me straight into Gratitude Mode. I have nothing, absolutely nothing to complain about. Take that, mental dementors!

This is a typical start to my day, and one I have been dealing with for years. It is a process, this dealing with disappointment. We can be disappointed in so many things throughout the day. People and the way they choose to act and respond. Poor drivers. Rude people. The lack of discipline in myself to get things done. My own internal drive that constantly nags me to achieve, when the sheer fact of living on this planet is an accomplishment.

All of it weaves its way throughout my day, along with my well-honed responses. If A doesn’t work, go to B, and then C and so on. My practices have served me well, and have kept me from frankly going insane. I begin with gratitude, always. It has truly helped me on so many dire occasions. And not that toxic positivity that people love to complain about. It is more of a humble thank you, because I have lived through so much worse. There is rarely a day where I am not grateful for something, and that practice helps center me. Just typing this, looking out my office window at the remaining snow, the birds and squirrels that circle my feeder gives me an immediate sense of thankfulness, gratitude and joy. It sometimes doesn’t take much to help me feel happy, centered and grounded. Other days, it’s like climbing Mt. Everest.

Meditation keeps my head clear, and helps me process as I give myself the gift of time and breathing for a bit during my day. Perspective also is key, because highly observant me can immediately figure out ways to undermine what confidence I eke out as I go about life. I use perspective to give myself pats on the back, and acknowledge that I am capable, and have been for a very long time.

One of the key discoveries I have made these past few years is that I need to remind myself that I am capable. This may surprise some people, because one of the things I am often told is how incredibly capable I am. My father-in-law used to say admiringly, “Lisa gets things done!” “You do so many things well!” “You know how to take care of xyz.” “You dealt with that situation so capably, where I would have fallen apart!” Yep, that is what I project on a regular basis.

Yet, when I am disappointed in myself, I feel anything but capable. The scars of my childhood run deep, memories times that even with stellar report cards, my mom would usually say a devastating sentence that would run along the lines of, “Well, you got a B, that should have been an easy A for you.” She even said she was disappointed in my when I told her I was happily pregnant with my first child. “Your life is over,” she intoned and I can still immediately go back to that moment and how I laughed it off as one of her usual gloom and doom criticisms. Those words wound its way into my psyche, and hurt my heart. While my two sons are my deepest loves and best part of my life, I remain disappointed in her response all these years later.

People are also disappointing. I set high standards for myself and then foist them mentally on others, so that they are inevitably disappointing to me. Friends who let me down by not being there or are casually thoughtless used to burn indignantly in my heart. Whether its age or tolerance level or maybe just plain common sense, I meet people where they are nowadays. Have I stopped getting disappointed with them? Not all the time, but then again, my criteria for friendship has also changed. Those who truly see me, as opposed to what I can do for them, are the cherished friends I rely on in my life, and keep close.

I don’t think there is a way to avoid disappointment in this world, so acceptance goes a long way in dealing with it. Acceptance used to make me think I was giving up, but that meaning has also changed, along with perspective. In most cases, people are doing the best they can with what they can. If the friend regularly disappoint me, I ask myself why I am feeling that way, and depending on the person, I make allowances, because we are all struggling with the scars of our past experiences. Or they no longer are considered friends, but put in the category of people I know.

So here I sit, feeling anything but disappointed right at this moment. Similar to the Five Stages of Grieving, I guess I have discovered my own Stages of Disappointment. I work them through regularly, and survive to live another day.

After going through my routine, I am genuinely happy to be sitting here on a Sunday, writing down my Stuck Space of the week for you, my readers. I am thankful the snow storm wasn’t worse, and that the power remained on during this time. I am grateful for another day above ground. And despite asking myself regularly, “Why am I here?” I am content, knowing that I have helped people with my work and words. I truly appreciate all the beautiful souls that fill my life on a daily basis. They fill my heart with love and appreciation. I love nature, that soothes my soul. The list could go on and on. May it always be so.

Travel Corner

Snow! We got snow, and the world seems to shut down. It was beautifully quiet, and although I am not a huge fan of Winter, it is beautiful outside. A few photos below of our snowy world…

So, until next week, Stucksters! May your disappointments be few, and your joys grow in multitudes.

Photo of Disappointment by Geralt/Pixabay, with thanks.