Stuck Spaces: Uncertainty

Or, how I learned to deal with it in Uncertain Times

Dear Stucksters,

I wish I could adequately convey how much I look forward to my Sunday ritual of writing to you! All week, in days that whirl by, I write ideas in my head in anticipation of our time together in this space. Each Sunday morning, I have a ritual of getting my coffee, feeding the birds, and then sitting down to write. I relish it, so thank you for being here with me in this space.

Some Substack people are delightfully organized, and write the day before, so they can schedule their posts the following day. I do not share that practice at the moment. I look forward to this writing, this time with you, our community, and the joy of our communicating with each other.

This is one of the ways I deal with uncertainty. Certainly, since Inauguration Day, and for me, since November (when my partner Trevor had emergency brain surgery), I have lived in the Land of Uncertainty. Some days it has felt like I am a permanent resident. I am definitely not a fan.

As a child, I hated that feeling. I lived in that Land of Uncertainty then as well, feeling helpless as the chaos of my family buffeted me for years. Once I became of legal age, I said, “No more!” and set sail on my own Land of Sureness. I am sure I was obnoxious and rigid, and slowly loosened my grip on my rigid ways of living.

Because I soon (but not soon enough) discovered that living that way was a folly. My life has been buffeted by uncertainty, as I am sure all of us are, especially moreso since Inauguration Day in January. Has it only been a month? It feels like years already.

I have learned a few ways to manage that feeling of what next? what to do? how will I survive? and these concepts have kept me sane during these frightening times.

Boundaries: I set them. Not only with people, but with my time and attention. I look at the news for a limited amount of time, and then I keep it moving. No doom-scrolling for me. It does no good, it changes nothing, and I end up feeling worse. I engage in social media for a certain amount of time each day, and then I put my phone down and live my life. Do I still randomly scroll on social media? Sure, in my down-time, I do, but when I start feeling anxious, it’s my cue to stop and do something else.

Responsibility: No one will come and rescue us. Somehow it’s ingrained in many of our psyches that someone out there will rescue us from doom. I don’t see that happening. Instead, I focus on taking responsibility for myself, look the problem square in the face, and try to tackle things either head-on or bit by bit. Are there helpers out there? Of course! The nice person who helps you when your car breaks down, or the kind people you encounter in your daily life that make an effort to help things move smoothly. Otherwise, we are quite frankly on our own, and while I know that it feels lousy, we have to acknowledge our own personal responsibility and move onward. Focus on the needs of you and your family, and all that it entails. Make lists, get your important documents taken care of, get your health in order, and take care of your mental health.

The Big Picture: Looking at the Big Picture of Life, all of it, the overwhelming morass of this planet, is overwhelming. Being overwhelmed paralyzes us. The best way to counteract that is to focus on the next five minutes. And breathe. I work with clients who understandably are overwhelmed with where they are in life, and can’t figure out a single way to make progress. Breaking things down to five minute intervals helps. You can accomplish a lot in five minutes: you can call your representatives, send an email, make a donation, clean out a desk drawer, gather your important papers together so they are accessible…you get the idea. Ignore the Big Picture, and settle for the little chunks of time in front of you. And do things. You will feel better. And then you do more, and the feeling better continues.

Spirituality: Many people have turned away from organized religion, understandably. Yet spirituality is accessible to all, and it can be as simple as lighting a candle. I turn to my spirituality in times of distress, and it gives me a peace I don’t have otherwise. I light candles, set intentions, focus on my healing work, read books by my spiritual teachers, and when I am my most scattered, I watch reels or videos online made by them. All of it helps. I go out in nature and hug trees. I offer gratitude before a meal. All simple, non-denominational rituals I do that give me peace in a chaotic world. It also takes the attention off me and the mental spirals in my head, and gives me something outside of myself to hone in on in times of stress.

Projects: While the idea of projects may be overwhelming to many, I tend to focus on projects that bring me joy. In the aftermath of Helene, our yard is horrendous, so I have spent these cold days dreaming of gardens and yard work. There is lots to get done, and I may or may not be able to do it without help. I always have a book project in my head that I start to get out on paper or computer. I enjoy the process of writing, and it soothes me. The difference with these projects is that I don’t set unreasonable standards for myself. My goal is not to have a pristine garden/yard space, nor another full book, necessarily. Gardening and writing are both things I really enjoy, but I focus on the process, not the end result. Does it drive me crazy to have a bunch of unfinished projects? Not really. I give myself permission to not put pressure on myself about them, and usually the end result is that I’m happy creating, even moreso than producing. That clarity keeps me sane. And I don’t take on too many projects where I know there is no chance of me completing them, ever. That would be futile and overwhelming, so I keep it simple and accessible. Some version of a book and yard space is doable, and therefore achievable.

Gratitude: That word gets thrown around a lot, but are you truly grateful for all that you have? Our minds are trained to say yes…but! Instead, focus on what you are truly grateful for, and feel it. I am grateful for the peace in my life, where there were literally decades of uproar and unhappiness. Trust me when I say I feel that gratitude deep in my bones. I am grateful for good food to eat when there were years I had limited options, due to circumstances. I am grateful I live in a beautiful area, after years of feeling like I lived in a dust bowl. See how that works? It’s not just a pithy list of grateful for…blah blah blah. Really feel that gratitude deeply, and notice how you feel afterwards. If you list random things you are grateful for, and feel no different, then I question whether you are really grateful for these things, or this is a list of things you think you should be grateful for…there is a difference.

Community: What does community mean for you? For a long time, I believed community had to be IN-PERSON. Since Covid Times and now post-Helene, my perspective has changed. My friends list has dwindled, and even moreso with this latest political nightmare. I have learned to cherish friends who are truy there for me, even when we are miles apart. The ones who check on me, the ones who send messages of support, those who comment on my Substacks. You are my community as well. I have pen pals, neighbors, online friends, and friends who live far away yet are always in my heart. Find your community. And cherish them.

Hope these ideas help in these Nightmare Days. Find the beauty and strength in your lives so that you can survive these times. Get out of your mental spirals and take action, and focus on getting yourself strong and healthy. These are all things you can do, instead of worrying about things outside of yourself that you have no control over. Feeling fearful and helpless is what they want. Let’s not give them that satisfaction.

Travel Corner

I got out a bit this week! I took my first visit on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and it made me cry. It’s always been my place of refuge, but I’ve also been avoiding it because I didn’t want to see its beauty marred by destruction.

I wept at the fallen trees, and the thought of no staff to help maintain it, and then came home to the news that seasonal National Park workers would not be fired. At least for now. Whew. I also had an exquisite avocado toast while out running errands, and while it’s a cliché, it was also a thing of beauty for me. Photos below.

So, until next week, Stucksters! As we wind down the month of February (which seemed to fly by), be sure to remember to breathe, hydrate and meditate. This is a long journey we are all on, so take time to appreciate the beauty when you can.